We Promise to be Better Than the Real President: ASUC President Preview

Posted by: Avinash on Monday, April 9th, 2007

We expect most of you have made up your minds on your ASUC votes, like ‘not voting’ or ‘burning flyers’. We don’t plan to persuade you with our tawdry, superficial outlook on issues and ideas, so we’re just going to go to good old-fashioned muckracking and heresy. I love the Internet and not being a journalist; you can say anything!

Onto your presidential candidates.

Ilana Narkin, Student Action: Up top is a sample of Ilana’s subversive political machine. Conduct faux kissing of chicks. Get creepy guy behind you to notice you. Creepy guy trying to suppress boner the rest of the night. Image lasts a lifetime. Guy decides this chick has what it takes. Votes her into office. Rinse and repeat ten thousand times, with the next stop at our front door Ilana. Bring the girl too. We’ll vote for you then. We’re serious about this.

Oh yeah, she wants to bring a food court to Lower Sproul. I think we call it the Bear’s Lair.

Van Nugyen, CalSERVE: Diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity diversity.

Oh yeah, and they want to move the add/drop deadline back. Webcast Senate meetings too, they’re always a big hit.

Joe Rothberg, SQUELCH!: His endorsements include
Theodore Roosevelt – Former President of the United States of America*
Abraham Lincoln – Former President of the United States of America*
Supreme Court Justice Salmon P. Chase*
Your Mom*
King George III – Long Live the King*
+50 for referencing Salmon Chase (that man had an ego the size of Chewbacca), -50 for referencing Your Mom. Come on man, you’re 21, that joke was funny at sixteen max.
On the bright side, he has a Civil War reenactment going on this Thursday. If people cared enough, this guy might win. Why would we vote for him? Because he promises to do nothing. That’s what I like from my candidates–simple honesty.

Eric Marshall, University Progress: You know how the ASUC gets nothing done? Eric Marshall will make sure nothing will ever happen for the next thousand years by setting up “a number of ASUC committees and programs to “bridge the gap” between students and non-students, including a program that would allow high school students to intern in the ASUC.” and “would also like to make senators more accountable to their constituencies by giving them specific groups or schools to represent.” Uh, Eric, we have something like that already. It’s called Congress, it has special interest groups, and we’re pretty sure it’s part of the reason America is a much bigger mess then it should be.

On the more interesting side, his Facebook interests list that he wants ‘environmental justice’. He wants the environment to destroy us all? Badass.

Dimitri Garcia, DAARP: Minorities, bro.

Travis Garcia, Independent. Actually has a viable platform–a 24 hour library. We figure that most of the MCB students that get mugged on the way home do so because they have to walk alone at 2 am to the dark edges of the city. Given the option (like during finals week), most of them would just sleep on the floor. At least they’re more likely to make 8 am lecture.

On the flip side, sex in the Stacks would get a whole lot trickier.

Justin Azadivar. This guy’s actually running for everything: President, VP, Academic Affairs VP, External Affairs VP, Student Advocates Office, Senate. No word yet on whether The first dictatorship in ASUC history. Hell, something might actually get done if this happens! Although he might be a tad bit insane. Just read his blog. Man, this guy really cares about these elections.

If elected president, he also wants to “issue multiple executive orders, including one to have the ASUC pay his rent and one mandating that all bills be written in a foreign language.” We wonder if this guy is suffering from Maddox syndrome. Shouldn’t engineering grad students be busy wooing the ladies with their mad skills than worrying about the stupid frivolities of undergrads?

Field of Seven Presidential Candidates Outlines Priorities [Daily Cal]
Justin Azadivar’s Blog, Beetle Beat [Blogspot]



Topics: Irrelevant, Politics, Students, UC Berkeley

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