Viva La Cascara de Rosa!
(AP) HAVANA, CUBA–Now that Fidel Castro has finally relinquished power, he has also decided to reliniquish his hex on the Cal football program and their half-a-century shutout from the Rose Bowl. He officially removed the pins from a voodoo doll of Pappy Waldorf late last night.
The California Golden Bears have not been to a Rose bowl since January 1st, 1959. Fidel Castro entered Havana on the same day and took over power later that year. The Bears have not been back since, and only now has Castro began to reveal his power grudge against the powers that be in the UC flagship school.
Castro spoke through a translator privately to an unnamed representative of Jeff Tedford that the good times would soon be rolling in Strawberry Canyon.
“I was not a great fan of the institution of UC Berkeley, which has sold itself to the government in its production of nuclear weapons. Oppenheimer was the father of the Manhattan project that leaves my country helpless from attack. For all the liberal activism and socialist propaganda, they have reneged on the promises of communism by failing to embrace the city of Berkeley and instead touting their technocrats and their governmental enterprises. So it was easy to hate them.”
He smiled and glanced conspiratorially at the representative. “I clearly could not attack them directly, so I instead hit them in the part of themselves they cared most about. Football. Not family, not friends–no, football is what Americans care about the most. And I knew the longer they hurt, the longer I could keep the ideas of communism flowing in that city.”
“Plus their rival across the bay was adorned in red. It gave me a warm feeling inside.”
“I knew it all along.” Confidently stated conspiracy theorist Oliver Stone. “I was about to make another movie about the man, which also involved the real killers of JFK and the government officials behind 9/11. The connection between JFK and Cal football is pretty obvious if you connect the dots. I love him so much. My hero. My man.”
So with Castro removing himself from power, what made him decide to end his hex of the program?
“The city has let me down, especially in recent times. San Francisco even named a street after me in my honor! You’d expect the revolutionaries in Berkeley to proceed likewise. Plus I hear there are people living in trees in support of their so-called revolution. This doesn’t sound like a smart way to win anything. You need violence and action! I can’t support people who shit in a bucket. And people hit each other in football. That’s violent enough for me.”
“Plus I like watching this Riley kid. He has a nice arm. He reminds me of myself during my early revolutionary days, but I can see his Battle of Yaguajay coming.”
(Thanks to DrunkOski for the title and CalAaron (well, CalAaron’s girlfriend’s dad) from the Bear Insider for the idea.)
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