KC Cal’s Weekly Super Fantastic Happy Explosion Awesome Article: The Draft

Posted by: KC Cal on Saturday, April 26th, 2008

Hi everyone. My name is KC Cal, and Avinash has kindly let me fill in for him for a weekly segment over here at the Bears Necessity. I also run a blog at The Play in California. I excel at making up characters like Emo Alex Smith, Impatient Aaron Rodgers, and other jackassery. I will attempt to by snarky, witty, and funny, but most likely come off as insulting, ignorant, and offensive for all purposes.

When trying to come up with topics to write about the obvious one I could have picked was something about the NFL Draft. With many Cal prospects in the mix (DeSean, Lavelle, Stevens, to name a few), there’s much to cover. Hell, even Joe Ayoob might pop up out of no where and make a glorious comeback like Keanu Reeves did in the Replacements. Oh wait, I forgot. In order to make a glorious comeback, you have to obtain glory first. My bad.

Thus, in my first inaugural article, I’ll be analyzing each top potential draft pick from Cal as we head into the draft. Now, I know Avinash offers very serious analysis on this website. Don’t expect the same from me. My “expertise” basically comprises of what I read on ESPN and Sports Illustrated 5 minutes before writing this article, but hey, with that amount of research, I’m already a regular Peter King. Also, because I’m lazy and can only make dick jokes for so long, I’ll only be offering previews for four players, the three mentioned above and Andrew Larsen. Yeah, that’s right, Andrew Larsen. So, enjoy!

DeSean Jackson:

Out of all the players coming from Cal, the obvious one generating a lot of buzz is number 1 himself. He’s fast, agile, and can return punts with ease. Watching DeSean play the last few years as a punt returner has been pretty awesome. He has very Dante Hall like plays, causing defenders to miss tackles left and right. Watching him play as a receiver has been pretty ah-ight. Sure, he’s usually the go to man when Cal needs an air touchdown, but at the same time, his numbers haven’t been exactly mind blowing, and that’s only at the college level. He is a deep threat with his speed, but he’s also a liability with his size. Rivals.com lists him at 172 lbs. I know a lot of guys who are 172 lbs and in decent shape. I’m pretty sure they’d get post traumatic stress syndrome with one Ray Lewis crush, or stabbing. Hopefully DeSean’s conditioning will allow him to withstand it. DeSean has the chance to become the next Santana Moss or Dante Hall. Um, make of that as you will.

Who will probably draft him: Tennessee Titans, Philadelphia Eagles, Dallas Cowboys
Who will actually draft him: Detroit Lions

Lavelle Hawkins:

Lavelle Hawkins has spent a lot of his career playing second fiddle to DJ. He’s been a pretty reliable receiver and quick at shaking off coverage. He’s also the source of the most ridiculous college football chant in the world: the Hawk. The Hawk is basically when you put your arms in front of you and move them as if you had wings. Though this sounds cool, you actually end up looking like a guy with Parkinson’s trying to do the YMCA. His main downfall is his size, measuring up only to about a DeSean. You’ll probably see him fall to around to the 120’s.

Who will probably draft him: San Francisco 49ers, Houston Texans
Who will actually draft him: Detroit Lions

Craig Stevens:

Craig Stevens
Before the combine, Stevens wasn’t really a hot prospect. Then after the combine, his name shot up faster than a heroin addict going on tour with Motley Crue. People site him as a rare example of a tight end who can actually block, something loss with all these “tight ends” who are basically just receivers. People like Antonio Gates and Todd Heap. That seems kind of like a cheat for those guys to be called tight ends. It reminds me of when I was a kid and we played back yard football. There would always be a blocker who would pretend to block but then come out and be a receiver. When all of us where like “what the fuck man?” he would just respond that he was playing tight end. Lame. Don’t expect Stevens to pull any of that pussy shit around in the NFL. He’d be a valuable asset to a team loaded with short field receivers.

Who will probably draft him: New England Patriots, Minnesota Vikings
Who will actually draft him: Detroit Lions (Millen to front office : “He’s a receiver right?”)

Andrew Larsen:

Andrew Larsen
Larsen is our punter. He can kick the ball real far. Teams who will need him have punters who cannot kick the ball as far as him. Yeah, that’s pretty much all you need to know.

Who will probably draft him: Tampa Bay Bucs
Who will actually draft him: Oakland Raiders, most likely utilizing an early pick. Al Davis will the comment on his own genius while hundreds of fans at the draft laugh out loud.

Well there you have it. Hope this article has prepared you for later this afternoon. It probably didn’t though, as I’m sure Avinash has already provided more in depth and factual analysis. You’re probably dumber for have reading this article.  I guess I’m a regular Mel Kiper Jr!

Topics: Awesome, Blogs

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