Profiles in Courage: Meet the Berkeley Treesitters

Posted by: Avinash on Monday, June 23rd, 2008

When there were about forty of them, we couldn’t really describe them in great detail, but now their numbers are dwindling, I can provide now excellent and possibly fictitious descriptions of the remaining hippies in the trees. Since these treesitters have decided to adopt names that the Mole People would be embarrassed to utilize for aliases, I will go ahead and make up my own names and thoughts. (The California Golden Blogs are providing you with round-the-clock Pullitzer coverage of the trees; I will provide you with my Colbertesque spin).


Meet Dumpster Muffin. A reject for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Dumpster Muffin’s powers consist of liberal self-loathing and banshee screaming. And she scream a loud one my friends, she scream very loud. Unfortunately, Frylock could never get along with her during test screenings, because her ravings distracted him during his particle smashing experiments and prevented him from discovering a new neutrino. So she ended up in the trees, and is probably growing a little moldy from all the sunlight exposure. The screams of compassion grow only louder as the days move along.

Next up are the bug twins, Millipede and Cricket. Don’t have much to say about them–way too generic. I guess the dude named himself Cricket because he loved making irritating noises at night, and the chick Millipede…uh…um…is the most beautiful bug in the world? Those profiles were easy enough. Let’s move on.

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Ayr is some Scottish town, but I assume these people have never looked at a globe other than to stab it with a knife and paint it with a “No Blood for Oil” slogan, so I will assume he adopted his psuedonym from the famous Mexican telenovela, Alegrijes y Rebujos. I’m confused because it appears most of the stars are kids. Are they really marketing soap operas to kids in Guadalajara? No wonder they’re all sneaking across the border–they want their Saturday morning cartoons!

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Speaking of cartoons, we haven’t even mentioned the rambunctious Squirtle. Squirtle is a water-type Pokemon, very good for extinguishing firetypes like Charmander or Vulpix. However, put it up against electric types and you’d better be prepared for some serious shockjobs. Clearly, this particular Squirtle was outcast from the Squirtle Squad because he lacks the inherent awesomeness of any of his counterparts and the requisite shades. Also his water attacks need some serious replenishment, considering the liquids he ended up throwing last week.

Finally we have Compost and Skunk Boy, which seems to be a battle to the bottom of who wallows in more self-pity. I can’t even get into Compost’s story, which just feels depressing even if I don’t know a single thing about him. Skunk Boy clearly must be inspired by Chuckie’s persona Stinkie in the Mega Diaper Babies episode of Rugrats, where his biggest superpower is…the power to stink.

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Small creatures can make a difference; is it Skunk Boy’s turn? Who knows what his shitbucket will be capable of when all is said and done.

Topics: Berkeley, Comedy, Hippies

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