The Cardinal Is Taking Over
We extend our hearty condolences to Avinash, who has involuntarily given up control of his website to us. We’re a little tired of his “Stanfurd” rants and his Oski fellatio, so as dedicated ticked off Silicon Valley tech geeks usually do, we decided to hack into the system, delete his files, and lock him out of his own site. We at the Farm don’t take kindly to his insults of our beloved “Leland Junior High”, and we’re striking back at that dumb sports geek across the Bay by completely blasting apart his system.
Consider it the final ultimate victory of Stanford over Cal this offseason. 1-0 in the Big Game, 2-0 in basketball, and now 1-0 in website PWNAGE. Just like how it’s supposed to be.
The first thing we have to say about Cal students is that your team sucks. You really really suck. 20-13 ring a bell? 1-6? Ready for another year of Nate Longshore underthrowing into double coverage? Just wait for the Cardinal to come up to Berkeley this year. It’ll be fun destroying your season again.
Also, we have an awesome Tree. A Tree that lacks people sleeping on it. And pissing on it. And wiping their asses on it. Our Tree may be clumsy but it’s endearing. Your mascot looks like he’s ready to molest cheerleaders and deform into the Fly.
And come on, golden bears? Didn’t Stephen Colbert tell you that bears are godless killing machines? There’s nothing good about that. The Cardinal is a pretty bird that is red, the color of blood and sacrifice. Something patriotic Americans are known to do. Berkeleyites would rather stick a joint up their ass and light their mouth on fire before saying something nice about our country and our people.
And you fans think you deserve a football team. You should have known better. Just to reinforce how superior Stanford is to Cal, let’s take a look at famous alumni.
This guy went to Cal (and was actually hailed as a genius when he was there):
And this guy went to Cal (oh, the irony, you Viet Cong huggers):
Everyone who comes out of Cal clearly comes out hating life. Even George Takei had to transfer to UCLA, and that dude loves everything!
So as Internet-making, Google-creating, Alien-destroying, space-pioneering students must do, we must break everything that comes out of such a system. Otherwise the rest of America is doomed to take on the same attitude as these immoral creatures.
And now that we’ve killed off the parasite that is Bears Necessity too, consider this site as a monument to everything that comes out of UC Berkeley: All things from KAL fade and die in the real world. Always remember this. Accept Nate Longshore throwing another killer 4th quarter interception to destroy your season, accept Tedford going to a real football school, and most important of all accept subjugation and bow down to Stanford. Your brief time to shine is over–because Americans believe in liberty and freedom, and all who are against it cannot possibly have a football program worth remembering.
Prepare to wait another 50 years for the Rose Bowl–Stanford will be back there long before you will.
Come join the band
And give a cheer for Stanford red
Throughout the land
Our banner waving overhead
Stanford for you
Each loyal comrade brave and true
With might and main sings this refrain
“Forever and forever Stanford red.”
After the game
When Stanford red has won the day
Praising her name
Down to the field we’ll force our way
And on the green
Each man who joins the serpentine
With might and main sings this refrain
“Forever and forever Stanford red.”
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4 Responses to “The Cardinal Is Taking Over”
April 1st, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Is this for real?
April 1st, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Yep, I’m pretty much stuck to commenting on my own blog. Sucks huh?
Bork Bork.
April 2nd, 2008 at 12:35 am
nice April Fool’s joke.
April 13th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Hilarious. Props.
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