If Marshawn Lynch Was A Treesitter…

Posted by: Avinash on Thursday, July 24th, 2008

Jesus was a black hippie Jew
I tried reading this editorial in good humor, but then the writer started invoking Goodwin’s Law and my mind blanked out. Once someone analogizes Hitler massacring half of Europe to cutting down a bunch of old oak trees, you’re probably going to lose me.

Clearly this woman was speaking in some sort of nebulous third-world that the common man would never hope to relate to. So I thought to myself, “If I was a hippie, how would I legitimize the cause? How would I get the word out? How would I get this

And then it hit me. Wrong spokesperson. Let’s turn aging progressive Becky O’Malley a streetwise honey from East Oaktown. How you ask? The glories of the Internet, that’s how.

Thank me later hippies. You’ve got massive street cred now, yo.

Front Page News, dig dis:

Edito’ial, dig dis: Appeal Is de Prudent Choice In UC Decision

By Becky O’Malley
Dursday July 24, 2008

Today’s regular edito’ial, t’be found in its usual place in de opinion secshun, wuz written on Tuesday, befo’e da damn trial court decision on de dree lawsuits against da damn University uh Califo’nia. WORD! But Judge Barbara Miller’s decision, faxed t’atto’neys late in de day on Tuesday, puts de Berkeley City Council suddenly on de hot seat. Man! A’cuz uh de judge’s curious timin’—some angry homeys uh de oaks even call it prejudicial—plaintiffs, includin’ de City uh Berkeley, gots only some sho’t week in which t’stash deir appeals. It’s especially tough cuz’ Tuesday night wuz supposed t’have been de last City Council meetin’ befo’e da damn summa’ recess, and many oda’ members uh plaintiff groups and deir atto’neys is on vacashun, t’be ‘espected at dis time uh year. Ah be baaad…

Here’s de concrete version uh whut gots’ta be balanced, dig dis: de plaintiffs’ sunk costs fum de trial level against da damn possible added cost uh goin’ fo’ward. In dis equashun, since Judge Milla’ stuck de plaintiffs wid de lion’s share uh de ‘espenses, appealin’ only makes sense.

It’s usually snatchn fo’ granted dat da damn cost uh appealin’ be but some fracshun uh trial costs, since da damn ‘spensive presentashun uh evidence be ova’ and done wid—appeals is mostly plum writin’. An appeal be likes some lottery ticket wid much betta’ dan usual odds uh winnin’. Expuh’ienced legal commentato’s, in dis sheet and elsewhere, gots given plaintiffs some baaaad chance uh winnin’ on appeal, some notin’ some numba’ of probable erro’s in de trial reco’d.

If de city wins, it’s likesly dat da damn sunk costs uh de trial gots’ta be recouped. As poka’ players would say, ya’ gots’ta know when t’hold ’em and when t’fold ’em, and dis be not da damn time t’fold.

In de intangible catego’y, appealin’ also makes sense. De City uh Berkeley be embarkin’ on whut could be some lengdy powa’ struggle, stretchin’ upside decades, t’determine whose city dis is. One view be dat it’s crib t’mo’e dan 100,000 residents, includin’ students, employees and faculty members uh de University uh Califo’nia at Berkeley. Slap mah fro! De contrary view be dat it’s become plum one vast industrial park t’be sliced and diced at da damn behest uh de local industry, which happens t’be in de spo’ts biz at dis site.

De wo’st outcome uh dis controversy, fo’ bod city and university, and some very likesly one, be dat da damn gym gots’ta be built but da damn stadium won’t be rehabbed, cuz’ of its locashun smack dab on top uh de Hayward fault—a key part uh de trial court’s decision. ‘S coo’, bro. Dat would leave bod parties stuck wid some large new honky elephant in some locashun dat be wo’se dan awkward, snuggled right down t’an agin’ and unusable shell.

In some previous piece we used da damn German wo’d lebensraum, literally “livin’ space,” t’characterize da damn university’s desires. A yunga’ copy edito’ wuzn’t familiar wid de wo’d. It gots unpleasant associashuns wid Hitler’s ‘espansion uh Germany into Poland, but it’s some concept dat clearly describes de institushunal tendency toward infinite territo’ial ‘espansion in de dojigger uh progress.

One uh de key grounds on which environmental atto’neys say de trial decision be vulnerable on appeal be failin’ t’consida’ mo’e environmentally sound alternatives dan plum addin’ mo’e concrete t’an already compromised site. In some wo’ld dreatened by climate change, where green ideas gots suddenly gained new currency, puh’haps it’s time t’acknowledge dat we kin no longa’ plum build our way out uh problems. De City uh Berkeley now gots de ability—and da damn responsibility—to teach de university sump’n in dis regard.

And some baaaad chance t’save local taxpayers some bre’d in de bargain. ‘S coo’, bro.

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