Is Nate Longshore A Better Quarterback Than A Machine?

Posted by: Avinash on Thursday, October 16th, 2008

(Started a thread about cardinal sins for Cal fans last night over at CGB. Come take a gander.)

Lowell Cohn provides his bizarro logic as to why he rides the Nate Hate Train.

I am not a Nate Longshore fan. I admit that.

It’s nothing personal because he seems like a nice young man, polite, cheerful, upbeat. He is an undergraduate the University of California can be proud of. But I don’t like him as a quarterback.

He is too programmed, too much like a machine, has no intuition or feel or imagination for quarterbacking. He is Kerry Collins instead of Steve Young and that means he does well when everything is perfect, when things go right and he can line up a receiver and throw with no one making his life miserable by chasing him out of the pocket. He is a serviceable college quarterback, although his coach Jeff Tedford has not believed in him.

Let’s ignore the fact that Kerry Collins guided the Penn State Nittany Lions to a Rose Bowl, because facts are inconvenient and we have no use for them here. Lowell does bring up an interesting point: Is Nate Longshore a capable enough machine? Or are there other machines with a better quarterback package that Jeff Tedford should consider trying out?

Here are some candidates we’ve found for the job.


Upside: Already has the golden colors to distinguish himself as Golden Bear through and through. Very good quarterback draw runner, since he’s best at panicking and running away from danger. Debatable if knowing the Wookie language will help subdue the beasts running to sack him. Already has an affectionate nickname of Goldenrod.

Downside: Flatfooted in the pocket. Not capable of lateral movement. Has difficulty grasping ball since he lacks ability to clasp his hands together. Not sure If tackled, very likely to break into a thousand pieces. Needs R2-D2 to be succesful in anything he does, and the astromech has a terrible history of dropping catches that any regular receiver could make. Prissiness and British accent prone to make him least popular player in the locker room.

Chances he’s a better quarterback=The odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field.

Bender the Robot

Upside: Quick-witted, so usually knows how to get himself out of trouble. He has extendable arms, which would make it hard for someone to tip his passes. Also very likely to throw a deep ball, although it’s debatable how accurate that throw would be.

Downside: Hostile and belligerent.  Not terribly mobile. VERY flatfooted. As in his feet are flat. Bender would probably end up tailgating before, during, and after the game and would toxically belch his offensive line into submission. Probability for intentional safety increases by 700%.

Chances he’s a better quarterback: 01011 (translate into base ten please?)

Sasha Vujacic

[youtube 6uiI58ZDSiQ]

Upside: He’s foreign, he’d attract half the girls in the school, he has played in championship situations.
Downside: He’s foreign, he’d attract half the girls in the school, he has sucked in championship situations.

Chances he’s a better quarterback=chances he’s a better two-guard than Kobe.


Upside: Has awesome depth perception, so should be able to read routes within seconds and find the open receiver without much trouble, depending how mobile his throwing arm is. Anyone trying to tackle him and end up cracking their helmets off his metal exterior.

Additionally, would kick everyone’s ass. If Rey Maualuga were to attempt to sack him, RoboCop would simply aim his Cobra assault cannon in his direction. Wham. No more Rey Maualuga. Could use his explosive cache of weapons to subdue any defenders on the warpath. Option play for RoboCop would send Pac-10 defenders fleeing.

Downside: Probably would be suspended after one or two games. Would most likely destroy the stadium, and its fans with his explosive gameplay. Could also come after his teammates who have committed felonies since he has been programmed to uphold the public trust.

Ensuing collateral damage would mark him as a threat to aforementioned public trust. Would hence commit suicide and be wildly mourned and feared. Stadium takes fifteen years to rebuild. Assuming Tedford survives and witnesses the ensuing fallout, heads off to revive some fledgling program somewhere.

Chances he’s a better quarterback: 1100X percent.

The Borg

Upside: An efficient collective hive mind allows for generally proper analysis and logical decision-making in the pocket. Would probably be most like Longshore of all the machines on this list, although that’s not saying much.

Downside: Can only back up one step at a time in the pocket. Might require that his own offensive line commits a billion holding penalties to prevent from careening into him.

Oh yeah, and as a sidebar to winning football games, might require all Cal coaches and players to submit to the Hive Mind and assimilate. Coach Tedford would not be pleased with this outcome. Would probably send the Borg searching for humpback whales.

Chances they’re a better quarterba–SUBMIT TO THE HIVE. California Golden Borg 4ever.

Which machines do you think would be better quarterbacks than Nate Longshore?

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