“We Are 4-1 And We Couldn’t Have Sucked More.”

Posted by: Avinash on Wednesday, October 8th, 2008

These mumblings were recorded and parsed together of a slightly inebriated Cal fan. His ramblings below are to be considered the drunken incoherency of a derelict and not an accurate sample of the actual Golden Bear fanbase. I hope.

drunkcalfan

WHAT IN JESUS CHRIST NATE LONGSHORE? What’s he doing in there? Might as well just leave right now. This one’s done.

OH wow NATE, you can throw that swing pass so well. Must be a real challenge. I’m sure Kevin could never have made that throw, it’d have probably murdered a ref, right Tedford?

It must be so nice to have your coach smitten with you. You going to Chez Panisse with him after the game you love handle?

Hey, good touchdown. Always tough to score on a forty yard field. Now we’ll see Riley when we’ve lost three straight rather than two. Always finding a way to screw us aren’t you Nate. Might as well reserve my ticket to the Wachovia Toilet Bowl.

Nice job defense. Why don’t you just hand out first downs like the Fed hands out free. When they pass you blitz. It’s simple as that. My 4th grade French teacher knows that and she doesn’t even watch football. Or was that the Nazis?

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THROWING AT??? CAN YOU JUST PUT ON YOUR SUN DEVIL HELMET ALREADY AND DECLARE YOUR ALLEGIANCE TO LUCIFER? That dude was fatter than you, and that’s saying something!!

Syd’Quan you idiot! You gotta pick that ball! Don’t do this soft “knock the ball away”. BE A REAL BEAR AND go for the pick! Nate can’t drive us more than forty yards. The fail is strong in this one.

See what happens guys? You don’t try for pick sixes and we get two penalties and a Bush Push TD. That’s what you get for not being aggressive. I could run this defense from the stands better than Bob could with his six figure salary. How much can I pay off the AD to send Gregory packing?

Man, you’re the savior NATE. No one could’ve lobbed that ball up in traffic quite like you. Gotta be happy Boateng bailed you out. Why don’t you just kick the ball next time Longshore, anything to prevent that BS you call “passing”.

Weak hit Zack. Couldn’t you have hit him harder? LIKE TAKE HIS HEAD OFF? You going to play nice with little douchenozzles like Rudy–I pay big money for BLOOD. YOU GOTTA DECAPACITATE; F’IN PATHETIC.

What was up with that Anger? Look how close that came to being a touchback. WHY DON’T YOU BE A MAN AND KICK THAT BALL RIGHT INTO THE RETURNER’S FACEMASK. This is why you’re the freaking punter, you good-for-nothing pegleg.

Great running Vereen. You might as well take a knee and not fumble the ball, since you’re not good at things like moving forward or not getting tackled. A deep pass ends this one and we’re handing it off to you to stumble into the ground. Oh that’s right, you’ve got Mr. 4th Quarter Nightmare behind you. I’d pity you if my ticket price was six times lower.

Oh wooohooo, we just edged out a lousy Arizona State team. We might’ve tolerated this nonsense when we suck sucked, but now that we’re good we gotta make our opponents bend over and take it every Saturday. What the hell’s Sandy’s number? She’s gotta hold Coach responsible for this. Steve Spurrier available? He can getttit done.

WE’RE 4-1 HEADIN’ ON 4-8. I’MMA GONNA GO FINE ME SOME HOE.

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Topics: Alumni, Cal Football, humor, Students

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